you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
“We will wed,” I threatened
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.