how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me driving through Toronto
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.