DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.