Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
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*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…