Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My life coach traded me.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.