law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I want to meet the individual who made this
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?