I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
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[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb