Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Jogging
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie