Well, this explains it:
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* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
😅🤣😂
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.