Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
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dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Happy Thanksgiving
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.