If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.