*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
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We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
how it started vs how it ended
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
also my go-to takeaway order
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.