In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
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Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses