“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
remember
only for emergencies
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.