When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.