Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming