Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I identify as an antique shop.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely