Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If a snake ate a cake
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
They’re really bad with fonts.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X