Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
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Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
You’ll be OK
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.