BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
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A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends