The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
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Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I was just discussing this with my cat
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”