Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
me doing my best
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.