Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
beware of dog
(jukin media)
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.