I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Finally!
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
the council will decide your fate
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Something Saturday.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.