Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Any refunds available?…
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”