Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
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Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Hamburger Hinderer.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
they split up moments later
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Happy Friday
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.