Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Perfection.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human