wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’d hang this in my house.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
All. The. Damn. Time.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.