THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Extremely relatable.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns