Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
That’s what I call a flat tire
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
#TopTip
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.