I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I hope Alan is OK
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR