Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
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Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
This could be us but you eatin’
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family