Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account