Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice