Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.