Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.