Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
live long and prosper!
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
the icebreaker
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.