Did you file your cat correctly today?..ππππ
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Iβd write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
sorry iβm late i had to catch a chicken is something iβd never thought iβd say, but here we are
all iβm saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like βthis person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a rowβ
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Told the kids itβs gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My daughterβs principal made a surprise visit to every 5th graderβs house to hand out βclass of 2020β bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you havenβt lived until youβve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kidβs principal.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and itβs time to read instructions and assemble things.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder πΆ
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone