A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science