Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
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Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]