There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
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Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
im 7 sauces long
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Did I do this right
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford