date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
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[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
🤣😂🤣
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*