draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
You Might Also Like
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Welcome to the stomach
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Every work meeting this week
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.