Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
HELP 😭
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever