[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
You Might Also Like
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
O Wise One….
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom