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HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Planet of the Apps.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.