I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
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playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
honestly, i need both:
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”