corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
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MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
mom gave me mine for free
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk