HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
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Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
😂😂😂
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
This took me a second..
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan