When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
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The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.